I didn’t drown. I fought, and I overcame

PhD is often romanticized as a journey of knowledge and intellectual growth, which it is. But for me, it has additionally been a relentless grind and a test of my endurance, willpower, and sometimes sanity. My work is not just about mastering complex theories or doing nuanced and sophisticated experiments. It is also about surviving the unending loop of burnout, struggling to adapt to a new society, and wrestling with emotions that seem to pull me apart. There is a spark of creativity on certain days, and on others I seem to be drowning in exhaustion and frustration. I know exactly what needs to be done but I feel trapped by time, money, and energy. Burnout is a persistent sword hanging on top of my head, which leaves anxiety, doubts, and fear of things not getting better as residue. And yet I try everyday that becomes a struggle of trying to try on some days, even when it feels like dragging my feet uphill every step of the way.

This is what it means to persist – Clawing for strength when there’s none, fighting to be consistent when it feels like a joke, and to jump out of the spiral that tries to pull me down the rabbit hole constantly. The work may be noble, but the life surrounding it is brutal. But I refuse to quit because giving up, somehow, feels worse. Do you know what gets me through? Knowing that I am capable of winning, I am not limited to survival alone, and most importantly, not complicating life unnecessarily. It is all about fighting through when quitting seems easier. If you would ask someone whether or not you should quit, they might give you a myriad of reasons like unresolved regret, loss of purpose, loss of self-worth, judgement, missed opportunities, and so on. While these are true definitely, a hard-hitting reason for not quitting is this:

Because life doesn’t care if you quit.

The world will continue to move ahead even if you don’t. There is no concept of pause or reset for the world, giving you no special consideration if you decide to stop. Challenges won’t disappear, but will pile on. However, this time you won’t have a say on what comes your way because the world will neither become easier nor comforting. The world will not soften its blows or lower its expectations.

What will happen when you quit?

Life is a constant current like that in the ocean. By quitting, you stop fighting against it and it takes you wherever it wants without your control. While few challenges made you quit, you will be overwhelmed by a lot more of them now, many of which are consequences of quitting. Succumbing to fear doesn’t erase it; rather it is amplified because it has now convinced you that you cannot face the struggles of life. Life ends up being a series of compromises, excuses, and settling – all of which are reasons not to try again. Quitting is not drowning in one moment. It is a result of accumulation of all the things you have given up on.

What do I do when faced with such a dilemma? I hold on to this:

Life may be strong but so am I,
I am alive until I physically die.
Bigger than all my goals is one aim,
I didn’t drown. I fought, and I overcame!

There are moments when I feel I might dissolve,
As if my body carries a frown it can’t resolve.

Some days pass, gentle and light as air,
Yet not enough to make me bold, to dare.

On other days, joy flows in dopamine streams,
Each second bursting with vibrant dreams.

This cauldron of feelings, deep as the sea,
Can seem overwhelming, engulfing me.

Caught in that exhausting loop I tread,
Knowing the steps, yet bound instead.

Hard truths of life hit with their full might,
Frustration grows with each stifled fight.

The threat of burnout lingers near,
When passion fades, replaced by fear.

The mind grows weary, the spirit thin,
A struggle to find the strength within.

Yet still I push, I try to try,
To find where my powers lie.

In every failure, in each new start,
I summon resolve from a deeper part.

Whether I laugh, cry, complain, or comply,
I anyway need to push through and try.

But I do it day after day for my sake,
Consistency is not a piece of cake.

Point to ponder? Be Priyafied!