I don’t want to get involved in the drama and the lies, I don’t want to feel the emotions that make me cry, I just want to be aloof and free from it all, But is that really living or just building a wall? Am I alone or just lonely?

It has been almost three years since I have been living alone in a different country. Whenever people talk about living in a new place alone, they talk about new experiences, learning a new culture and language, meeting new people, missing food from back home, or feeling alone when they return to an empty home from work. Besides all the fun and challenges these have to offer, there is another aspect that starts playing with our perception and perspective – detachment from a lot of things and people we were once depending on a lot. In most cases, those things are replaced by substitute facilities available in the new place, and those people are replaced by new people.

This is not a problem in most cases. It is just the progression of life and the reality that we move on and grow out of circumstances. However, the effects of this detachment start showing up when we feel disconnected during conversations with the same people we were once dependent on emotionally. For example, it is possible that we no longer feel connected to the situations our parents might be living in at the moment because we have been out of that system for a long time. And then we feel guilty about drifting away from them despite not wanting to do it. This is the main reason among others why people who live in a different country than their home feel out of place. We no longer belong there, and we don’t belong here yet.

I am no stranger to this feeling since I am in that situation and I am also seeing several other people around me who have immigrated. However, I sympathize but do not empathize with their feeling. The problem arises when things are complicated for no reason. There is a drastic shift of normal and it is no longer the same world. The thing we need to understand is that normal is an illusion. What is normal for a spider is chaos for a fly. Likewise, what is normal for a native is chaos for the immigrant. Let’s look beyond the place and find a place for ourselves inside our own minds. When we have a zero displacement spot in our mind for ourselves, we would be home irrespective of the place we physically live in. While our body faces challenges in adjusting to new surroundings, people, facilities, and food, our mind would remain stable at point zero.

To be fair, this is not something I learned overnight. This was a progression in my life and gladly, I am on the other side of the bridge now. Struggling with issues, whether mental or physical, is a part of growth. But growth will only progress when we deal with those issues actively.

Instead of working to fix our problems, we are working just to the extent of being unaffected by problems. But that doesn’t make the root of the problems go away. All it does is make our problems trivial but at the cost of enlarging the guilt associated with them. There are three factors associated with this.

Illusions

Everything is an illusion because normal is the situation of the present. Things change every step of the way, but we fail to see that change is the only factor that will never change. People, circumstances, work, priorities – everything is an illusion because they would alter themselves and also bring about changes in us. That brings me to the next factor – detachment.

Detachment

When our lives change, we get occupied with our problems of the present, which is obvious. But in doing so, we start moving away from the life we led earlier because those problems no longer affect us. However, the moment we realize that we’re not able to connect with our old life, we get the feeling of being displaced because our “home” has been lost to us. This is when we overcompensate at times in terms of trying to “reconnect” with people we lost touch with, finding people from our community in the new place to try and find a home, or going to unnecessary lengths to “preserve our culture”. Despite all this, we feel aloof.

Being aloof

We tried everything to keep the connection to our roots alive, but we still feel aloof because the community is not the same. Even though we try to pull as many people as possible who have a similar background into the community we are trying to create, it’s not enough. This is because these two pieces of the jigsaw puzzle we’re trying to fit together don’t belong to the same set. While we can fit a round pizza in a square box, we cannot fit the box on the same pizza. Likewise, we can fit ourselves into the new life, but we cannot force the new life to fit us.

Outlook

Who are you then? You are an individual who has to accept that the only real thing, in reality, is you. Everything in life is learnable. Whether you achieve something or not is dependent on several factors, but getting on your feet to try is doable. So, learn and grow as much as possible and go as far as you want. While we need categories to classify ourselves for official purposes, you don’t have to apply them to your personal evaluation. I think it’s important to be aware of your own identity and values, but also to respect and appreciate the diversity of others. I don’t think you have to choose between being yourself and belonging to a community. You can be both an individual and a part of a group and learn from different cultures and experiences. I think that’s what makes life rich and meaningful. But finding a group to belong to is not as important as finding your individuality.

You are an individual with your own characteristics, responsibilities, interests, and needs. And fulfilling your interests and needs, while keeping your responsibilities in mind and characteristics intact, is the only goal you need. And within your responsibilities falls the emotional attachment you have to your family and friends who you left behind in your home country. But if you consider your home to be your own mind, you will never once feel out of place because you are always connected to yourself. Point to ponder?

Have you ever felt this way in life? Comment below!

Be Priyafied!