My family too had a golden era….

Greetings readers! It would be more than surprising for those reading to see me popping up after more than a year of hiatus. But this is just the right time to come back as my life takes a huge turn after a big dunk.

I was always the cry baby, mostly crying because of reasons that would take me away from my parents, whether briefly or not. Right from them dropping me off at play school, till wondering about the time I would tear up when I would have to leave home for higher studies, I have always craved for time to spend with my parents, both of them together. We were a team, all three of us, at all times, having a wonderful time in each other’s company.

For those unaware, you must be wondering what makes me write so much about all this all of sudden. This is because my family too had a golden era. The golden era that I talk about is now shadowed. The permanent shadow cast on the sunshine comes with my mother going away too far; far enough for her not to hear me anymore physically.

My mother has been everything for me. Even as I write this, it is my perpetual thought of getting everything validated from her comes to my head subconsciously. Right then I look at her photo right in front of me and reality hits – She can’t hear me.

My mother made me capable of so many skills. She taught me all that is required to live my life independently and to be able to be in charge of my own self. But then it occurs to me to ask her about the one thing she never taught me; that is to live without her. But then again the reality hits hard – She can’t hear me.

She was a wonderful lady, and everyone loved her. She was a amazing personality, and everyone that knows her has been talking about how lovely she led her life. Then it occurs to me to take her opinion on the fact that doesn’t the use of ‘was’ against her name sound horrible. Right then, the reality hits pretty hard again – She can’t hear me.

She is one of the pillars that my life stood on. I literally derived my strength from her, in terms of the satisfaction of knowing that she is there. She is right there and I can call her, and she would respond to me. When anything happens in life – good, bad, happy, sad – my go to call was Amma, and she would just touch my head and my life was back on track. Right at the moment, reality punches me right in the face – She will not hear it when I say Amma.

My birthday was always more of a celebration for her, than for me. She was always proud of me for adding yet another feather in my cap, every other year. The wait to have a cake cutting celebration with just the three of us was something we all looked forward to. We all were aware of the fact that Appa would get a cake in the evening, but it was still a surprise and a genuine one at that. Waking up every morning, I used to eagerly wait to see her face glowing with pride and Appa’s face happy with contentment, for his family is happy. I would run to hug her, while calling her out in excitement. This time reality tore me up on my birthday – She will never hear me call her out ever again.

She is too far. She covered the distance too early, too soon. There was so much more to do and say in life. It feels as if I didn’t show enough to her, that I love her. There was so much more for me to do for her, and let her rest. But as they say, birth and death are the only two things that beyond human control. Time and again, this has been proven. This time the test befalls on me and my family. We go about the day like any other day, albeit without emotions.

It has been around a month since she left, but it still doesn’t register within me. I seem to be having an opposite effect of the usual human emotional response. People fail to believe in their hearts of a news of this nature, but the mind knows the truth. The solution is to make your heart believe the truth by logic. Looking at my own reaction to this shock, I am a little shocked myself. I know in my heart that I will never be able to go back to her, talk to her, share my life with her, see her smile…. I know she is too far that my heart cannot reach out to her. But then, my mind, so vividly, brings out all the moments with her that it starts believing that I will go back to her after work to talk to her about my day. Right then, the big blow comes to me like an earthquake that shook the depths within me, and erupts a tsunami in me that flows out of my eyes uncontrollably. I seem to go through this thought process over and over, many times a day.

Even as I describe it, an emotional turmoil erupts inside of me that doesn’t seem to come to a conclusion. From a normal person’s viewpoint, it seems that looking at myself from a third person’s eye may give me solutions. But from the center of my predicament, every advice seems distant. People feel I should “grieve to let everything out”. But my mind’s eye sees two points in this statement that make the entire meaning void, i.e. what does it mean to grieve and how, and, what exactly do I have to let out? I do not understand the meaning of grieving, and neither do I don’t understand what will come out of me if I do.

The only well meaning advice till date that I have received was a straight forward “Accept it.” Yes, with a full stop. There is nothing more to be done, and felt in this situation it seems. But to accomplish these two very simple words, my life is circling the universe of my own existence, and I seem to be living over the same cycle again and again. It appears that this will be the case forever, with the intensity gradually reducing. But the pain remains.

There is one simple thing that I learned from this. I needed more opportunities to tell her that I love her. There are so many things that have been left unsaid. She had to see so many more wonderful moments. She had to see me becoming the successful woman that she dreamt of. I had to tell her of all the achievements that I will be having in future.

She does meet me in my dreams at times when I call out to her, that “Amma! Your Priya miss you!” She blesses me and soothes my anxiety, and almost immediately, I am jolted back to the physical reality of her absence. I try to balance my life, my emotions, both of which were always linked with her in her presence. And now with her gone, my life and my emotions are linked with her to her absence.

Right after this jolt, every “condolence” message simply escalated my grief. The standard condolence message starts with “With the passing away of….” or “Saddened to hear of the demise of….” I totally deplore this torture for every person who undergoes such grief. People must realize that for a person already under tremendous sorrow, such a message acts like a bee sting on a snake bite. For a person trying to realize the gravity of the harsh reality, it’s not a good thing to start talking with a reminder of that grim reality. Neither is “Sorry” a logical start.

Although at this stage, you can’t really blame the other people for anything. All people can do for you is either offer food, or condolences. A request to people from me, is that offer none of these. Moreover, tapping on feelings and emotions of such a person by trying to talk about the person they have just lost, is like adding salt to the bee stung, snake bitten area.

I loved her, I love her, I will love her. Because of this, it does give me a sense of ease knowing the fact that she is no longer in any pain or suffering. But, with her gone too soon, it makes me agitated, uneasy and angry. In the midst of all these emotions building up, I look at her photo. A certain realization comes up, that all that’s left of her are photos. I burst out crying, and jump into another set of the same emotion cycle.

I will never learn to live without her presence, in any lifetime. Probably the only thing I am capable of doing is to learn to live with her absence.

I will forever miss you too, Amma!